How to Avoid Self-Blame When You're a Victim of Betrayal
- Kristin Minto Snowden
- Jan 15
- 1 min read
When you’re the victim of betrayal, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame. You may find yourself wondering what you could have done differently, or if you missed signs along the way. But the truth is, betrayal is never your fault. No matter the circumstances, no one deserves to be lied to, gaslighted, or manipulated by a trusted loved one..
It’s important to recognize that the choices your partner makes are their own, and you are not responsible for their decisions. Self-blame can also be part of a shame-cycle that often surfaces due to the deeply personal nature of being betrayed by your closest loved one. It's important you take the time to identify the “shame stories” you’re telling yourself and give yourself the space to process it. Part of your healing journey is accepting that betrayal is an outside force that you couldn’t control. It's ok to be angry, sad, or confused and its valid to give all your “stories” and “parts” of yourself the time and attention they need to be seen and heard as you walk through this crisis and trauma.
Remember, self-compassion is key. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, and take steps to rebuild your trust in both others and yourself. You are worthy of honesty, respect, and love, and the hurt you’re feeling is not a reflection of your value.
I have small, live groups that explore important subject matter like betrayal trauma, grief/loss after betrayal, and exploring your “parts” and “shame stories” after trauma. Go to KristinSnowden.com and click on resources.
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Thank you so much for this blog post--and all of the others. It is exceedingly difficult to keep ANY thought at the forefront of my mind as I gasp for air in an ocean of betrayal (and other) trauma and not go under. I want you to know that the information and support you provide are absolutely priceless and literally saving my life. I'm learning despearatey needed skills, knowledge and advice to help me walk this terrifying path. I registered for the shame workshop and I'm really excited to learn anything I can that helps. And I definitely need help.